Be honest. We all have one.

Social media was supposed to help us stay connected.

Instead, somewhere along the way, it became our newspaper, television, shopping centre, photo album, gossip column, marketplace, entertainment system and, occasionally, our full-time job.

We check it while we're waiting for coffee. We check it in bed. We check it while watching TV. Some people apparently check it while walking across roads.

And the strangest part?

We all use it completely differently.

After years of watching people use social media — purely for professional marketing research, obviously — we’ve identified a few distinct Social Media Personalities.

Which one are you?

🕵️ The Stalker

You rarely like.
You certainly don't comment.

But you know everything.

Who's on holidays. Who got divorced. Who changed jobs. Who bought a new house. Who suddenly started going to Pilates.

You haven't spoken to them since 2014, but you're completely across the situation.

Your greatest fear?

Accidentally liking a photo from 2018.

🧐 The Auditor

You don't just read the post.

You read the comments.

All 347 of them.

Then you screenshot the best ones and send them to someone else with:

"OMG. READ THIS."

The original post isn't even important anymore.

The comments are where the real entertainment begins.

📸 The Influencer

You don't simply drink coffee.

You have:

"Discovered that taking a moment for yourself in the morning can completely transform your mindset."

Groundbreaking.

Breakfast isn't breakfast. It's a morning ritual.

Going for a walk isn't exercise. It's prioritising yourself.

And absolutely nothing happens without photographic evidence.

🎰 The Poker Player

Thumb engaged.

Swipe.
Swipe.
Swipe.
Swipe.
Swipe.

You aren't really reading anything.

You're pulling the lever on the world's largest digital poker machine waiting for something interesting to appear.

Dog.

Ad.

Political argument.

Recipe.

Someone from high school.

Ad.

Celebrity.

Ad.

Ohhhh… funny video.

JACKPOT.

And we begin again.

🛒 The Bargain Hunter

You didn't open Facebook to buy anything.

But apparently there's 40% off outdoor furniture.

And someone's posted a discount code.

And that air fryer is ridiculously cheap.

Within five minutes you've sent three links to your family group chat with:

"Does anyone need this?"

Nobody did.

That has never stopped you.

🔴 The Notification Clearer

You see it.

That little red circle.

7

Absolutely not.

Every notification must be investigated and cleared immediately.

Facebook: 3
Instagram: 2
LinkedIn: 1
Messenger: 4

You don't even care what they are.

You just need the numbers...

GONE.

Inbox Zero has nothing on you.

🚶 The Walker

Apparently walking somewhere without simultaneously checking social media is impossible.

Head down.

Phone up.

Instagram open.

You're walking, scrolling, liking and occasionally drifting into the path of another human being.

Lamp posts, shopping centre displays, stationery objects and other pedestrians are merely obstacles between you and the next Reel.

👻 The Lurker

You've been on social media every day for approximately 14 years.

Number of posts?

Three.

Profile photo?

Possibly from 2017.

But don't mistake silence for absence.

You've seen everything.

You just don't feel the need to participate.

⚔️ The Comment Section Warrior

Someone on the internet is WRONG.

And unfortunately, it's now your responsibility to fix it.

You entered the comments at 7:42pm.

It's now 10:16pm.

You've exchanged 37 replies with a complete stranger called Barry and neither of you has changed your mind.

Tomorrow night?

Rematch.

🔁 The Reposter

Why create content when other people have already done all the work?

Funny video?

Share.

Inspirational quote?

Share.

Local warning?

Share.

Competition?

Tag six people and share.

You are essentially your family's personalised news service.

Whether they requested one or not.

📢 The Oversharer

Coffee? Posted.

Gym? Posted.

Lunch? Posted.

Airport? Posted.

Hotel room? Posted.

Argument with an unnamed person who "knows exactly who they are"?

Definitely posted.

Your followers don't need to ask how your weekend went.

They were there.

🌀 The Algorithm Victim

You watched one video about renovating a bathroom.

One.

Now your entire feed is:

Bathroom renovations.
Tiles.
Tapware.
Grout cleaning.
Waterproofing disasters.
Tradies reviewing other tradies.

Three weeks later, you're somehow emotionally invested in a tiler from Queensland you've never met.

The algorithm knows what you want before you do.

And that's slightly terrifying.

🌙 The Doom Scroller

You opened Instagram at 9:30pm for "five minutes".

Suddenly it's 11:47pm.

You don't remember what you've watched.

You haven't learned anything.

You're not even particularly entertained.

But apparently your thumb has decided we're staying.

Just one more Reel.

Famous last words.

So… Which Social Media Personality Are You?

The uncomfortable answer is probably:

A combination of several.

Maybe you're a Stalker Monday to Friday, Bargain Hunter on weekends and full-blown Doom Scroller after 9pm.

And while we're having a laugh, there's actually something fascinating behind all of this.

Social media platforms are extraordinarily good at understanding human behaviour.

Notifications bring us back.

Infinite scrolling keeps us moving.

Algorithms learn what catches our attention.

Comments create conversation — or arguments.

Likes give us little moments of validation.

Offers create urgency.

And before we know it, something we opened for "five minutes" has consumed half an hour.

For businesses, that's also an important reminder.

People aren't sitting on social media patiently waiting for your next corporate announcement.

They're scrolling.

Fast.

They're distracted.

They're being entertained.

They're shopping.

They're stalking.

They're arguing with Barry.

Your content has to earn their attention.

Sometimes that means educating.

Sometimes helping.

Sometimes selling.

And sometimes it simply means making someone stop scrolling for ten seconds and laugh because they recognise themselves.

So now it's confession time.

What Social Media Personality are you?

And perhaps more importantly…

Which one are you tagging in the comments?

That's Business Today | Digital Agency
Raw. Real. Relentless.

Start today for tomorrow's success.